Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Back To The Land Of The Living

I know I’ve been gone a long time and I owe all of you a very big apology for that. I am sorry I have left you wondering where I was or why I was gone. Things have been pretty rough in my world the last few weeks and I finally feel like they are improved enough to return to the blogging world. I’ve spent my time away hiding.


image credit


Hiding from life because it’s sometimes too hard to face it.


I’ve been spending more and more time in my own fantasy worlds. In stories that are not my own. It’s easier there. I don’t have to look truth in the face and see what’s behind his eyes. I can get lost in my books and enjoy the lives of the characters. Or I can create my own worlds and control the lives of those living in it. That’s more fun. Things rarely go wrong there. My characters have successful careers, fall in love, get married, have kids and stay in love. They don’t have to suffer the heartache and worry of real life. They don’t have to struggle to get through the day. Or feel like they just want to hide under the covers. They don’t long for a hug just so they know the other person still loves them. They don’t have to worry that the other person will leave. They don’t have the weight of knowing it’s their flaws that are pushing the other person away. It’s perfect there. I don’t ever want to leave it. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t know what to do to make it better.


I actually wrote that three weeks ago when I was trying to cope with everything going on. Obviously, since it’s not getting posted until now, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t bring myself to blog because that would require me to talk about things that were going on and I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to think about my life and how it had been turned inside out. Now that things have improved, I feel like I can do it now.


So here it is.


The Sunday before my daughter’s full week of spring break was not a great day and I don’t even remember exactly why I was in a bad mood. I didn’t think I was showing the full extent of my irritation, but apparently it was more than my husband could stand. That night after the kids were in bed he told me he didn’t know how much longer he would be able to take living with my mood swings. I was devastated. To know that the man that I never thought would stop loving me was thinking about leaving me was enough to break me. I knew that it must have been bothering him for a long time for him to finally say something. Because you don’t tell your wife that if things didn’t change, the marriage would be over after just one bad day. I spent a lot of time that week crying. Just thinking about it now is making me tear up. But finally I made myself stop crying and start trying to be more positive. Start trying to not get so upset over the things the kids would do that normally make me crazy. Things were okay. Then eight days after that dreadful night, I tried calling my husband while I was at Wal-Mart. (Not the best idea in the first place because trying to get a signal in that place is like trying to get milk from a rock.) It rang and rang and then was silent. Suddenly I heard a woman’s voice saying hello. My stomach dropped and I frantically tried to ask who she was. She said hello one or two more times and after hearing nothing for thirty seconds or so the call disconnected. With new worries about my marriage, I immediately called him back and got his voice mail. I left a message and he called back a short time later. We tried to talk about the previous phone call but since I was still in Wal-Mart, I told him we would talk about it later. I called him back after I had gotten home and my son was busy eating lunch and he said he didn’t really know why I heard a woman on the line other than maybe somehow my call had been picked up on another signal. He had the whole exchange on his voice mail (that I listened to after he got home) only it was just my voice. He thought she probably couldn’t hear me and since it was his number I was calling, only I came through on the voice mail. He assured me he had not and would not cheat on me. I believe him. There has never been any reason for me to think otherwise. We’ve talked about things and I feel like we’re back on a good path. I’m working on myself and trying to tone down my displeasure. (Although I really should just start taking Prozac or something and really turn myself around!) But I’m trying to let go of my anger and frustrations; trying not to hold it in to let it continue to bug me.


So that’s my big sob story. Additionally, I was trying to finish work for a client so they could get their taxes done. (I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I do bookkeeping for small businesses.) So now that I’m emotionally more stable, my work has slowed down and PTA is drawing to a close, I think I’m able to reenter the blogging world and spend time with those that I love here. I only hope you’ll have me back.


  1. Everyone needs a break now and again. And if someone doesn't understand that (ie your readers) send them my way I will "educate" them some.

    Sorry you have been going through a rough patch!!

  2. Hannah, I hope you are doing ok! Sometimes it takes the person we love the most to give us a wake up call and see how we are doing. Bud does this with me sometimes and it does help me to take a look at myself.

    We're here for you! Glad you're back.

  3. Hey, lady, take the time to take care of YOU and your family. And do not, for a minute, feel bad about it. This little blog world is so very unimportant in comparison!!

    Of course you know this, but try to focus on the positive. Chose to react in kindness even if you're actually feeling frustration and annoyance. Try to let go of the little things. And remember how blessed you are :)

  4. Nice to see you around here again! I am glad that you took some time to work on the real things in your life, love. It is the most noble effort. I am hoping for you to find more stable ground now darling. We'll still be here if you need to take more time, know that!

  5. Everyone needs a little escapism every now and then. Glad you're back.

  6. Nice to have you back but it's understandable that you needed a break. No worries, sweets...we're always going to be here. So sorry you are going through a hard time.

  7. Hannah, oh Hannah.

    We're here for you when ever... but just remember, that real life trumps imaginary every time.

    Concentrate on the now. And there's nothing wrong with a little Prozac... we've all been there (and used that, weather we want to admit it or not.)

  8. Oh, Hannah, I'm sorry things have been hard lately, and I'm sorry you cried. Sometimes my cell phone gets weird and when I make a call it doesn't connect properly and when I say, "Hello" I can hear my own voice saying it through my phone. It's weird. Do you think that might have happened? You didn't say it sounded like your voice, but being frustrated maybe you wouldn't have recognized it as yours. It's possible.

  9. Hannah, I am so sorry you were going through this. I do hope you are feeling better and that things between you and your Hubby are sorting themselves out. Don't worry about taking a break from blogger. Everyone has to do it every now and then. Those who care about you will understand, and the rest arnt worth it. Nice to see you back.(HUG)

  10. We're not going anywhere, darling, so you take as many breaks and as much time as you need. Also always know that if you need to talk that my email is always available: katsidhe@gmail.com

    I don't know if you were being factitious, but if you are considering taking medication, make sure that it's for you to feel better, not because you want to please someone else. It might very well be helpful if YOU find your mood swings unbearable, not others.

    Love you, my little rockstar.~

  11. OT, you're so sweet. It's nice to know someone tough has my back! :)

    ms. caboo, thank you. Yes, I'm doing much better now than a couple of weeks ago. Once we got past that rough patch, things have been much smoother. Just need to keep monitoring myself so I don't fall back into the mentality of before.

    Megan, thank you. Yes, it's taking practice because I've been such a pessimist for so long, but I'm trying to stay positive and not fall back to my angry habits.

    Randy Girl, it means so much to know I have such a supportive group of friends here. Things are much more stable here and I sincerely hope it stays that way for a LONG time.

    Alice X, thank you! I'm happy to be back. Still trying to catch up with all of my blog reading!

    Jewels, thanks hun. I'm so glad you're all so supportive. It means so much to me knowing you care about me.

    Julianna, I definitely needed the break to cocoon myself away from the pain for a while. Now that I am recentered and on the upward swing again, I feel like I can start talking about life again. And thank for your kind words and support.

    Chanel, thank you. I don't think that's what it was because I have that happen all the time and this was definitely different. I have talked with a couple of people that have had similar things happen to them. It has something to do with frequencies and the signal jumping off track I guess. It's not only cell phones that do it, but cordless phones and even walkie-talkies.

    Sprite, you are a sweetheart. Things are definitely better between Hubby and I and I am trying to be more aware of my emotional state and how I react to situations. All in all, it was probably better that it came to light now so I can learn and become better. *hugs*

    Kat, thanks love. It's good to know I have you to turn to. My biggest hurdle will actually be asking for help. I've always been stubborn about handling everything on my own. I really need to change that about myself. It doesn't mean I'm weak, right? :) I have actually considered medication at times, but I've always been afraid. Not really sure why. Maybe fear of all the side effects they warn you about. I don't know. I think I can manage without. But thank you for you love and support. I love you too!


Thanks for stopping by and reading! Sit back, grab a drink and visit for while. I love the company.