I know I’ve been gone a long time and I owe all of you a very big apology for that. I am sorry I have left you wondering where I was or why I was gone. Things have been pretty rough in my world the last few weeks and I finally feel like they are improved enough to return to the blogging world. I’ve spent my time away hiding.
Hiding from life because it’s sometimes too hard to face it.
I’ve been spending more and more time in my own fantasy worlds. In stories that are not my own. It’s easier there. I don’t have to look truth in the face and see what’s behind his eyes. I can get lost in my books and enjoy the lives of the characters. Or I can create my own worlds and control the lives of those living in it. That’s more fun. Things rarely go wrong there. My characters have successful careers, fall in love, get married, have kids and stay in love. They don’t have to suffer the heartache and worry of real life. They don’t have to struggle to get through the day. Or feel like they just want to hide under the covers. They don’t long for a hug just so they know the other person still loves them. They don’t have to worry that the other person will leave. They don’t have the weight of knowing it’s their flaws that are pushing the other person away. It’s perfect there. I don’t ever want to leave it. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t know what to do to make it better.
I actually wrote that three weeks ago when I was trying to cope with everything going on. Obviously, since it’s not getting posted until now, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t bring myself to blog because that would require me to talk about things that were going on and I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to think about my life and how it had been turned inside out. Now that things have improved, I feel like I can do it now.
So here it is.
The Sunday before my daughter’s full week of spring break was not a great day and I don’t even remember exactly why I was in a bad mood. I didn’t think I was showing the full extent of my irritation, but apparently it was more than my husband could stand. That night after the kids were in bed he told me he didn’t know how much longer he would be able to take living with my mood swings. I was devastated. To know that the man that I never thought would stop loving me was thinking about leaving me was enough to break me. I knew that it must have been bothering him for a long time for him to finally say something. Because you don’t tell your wife that if things didn’t change, the marriage would be over after just one bad day. I spent a lot of time that week crying. Just thinking about it now is making me tear up. But finally I made myself stop crying and start trying to be more positive. Start trying to not get so upset over the things the kids would do that normally make me crazy. Things were okay. Then eight days after that dreadful night, I tried calling my husband while I was at Wal-Mart. (Not the best idea in the first place because trying to get a signal in that place is like trying to get milk from a rock.) It rang and rang and then was silent. Suddenly I heard a woman’s voice saying hello. My stomach dropped and I frantically tried to ask who she was. She said hello one or two more times and after hearing nothing for thirty seconds or so the call disconnected. With new worries about my marriage, I immediately called him back and got his voice mail. I left a message and he called back a short time later. We tried to talk about the previous phone call but since I was still in Wal-Mart, I told him we would talk about it later. I called him back after I had gotten home and my son was busy eating lunch and he said he didn’t really know why I heard a woman on the line other than maybe somehow my call had been picked up on another signal. He had the whole exchange on his voice mail (that I listened to after he got home) only it was just my voice. He thought she probably couldn’t hear me and since it was his number I was calling, only I came through on the voice mail. He assured me he had not and would not cheat on me. I believe him. There has never been any reason for me to think otherwise. We’ve talked about things and I feel like we’re back on a good path. I’m working on myself and trying to tone down my displeasure. (Although I really should just start taking Prozac or something and really turn myself around!) But I’m trying to let go of my anger and frustrations; trying not to hold it in to let it continue to bug me.
So that’s my big sob story. Additionally, I was trying to finish work for a client so they could get their taxes done. (I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I do bookkeeping for small businesses.) So now that I’m emotionally more stable, my work has slowed down and PTA is drawing to a close, I think I’m able to reenter the blogging world and spend time with those that I love here. I only hope you’ll have me back.